Me vs. Morrissey in the Pretentious Contest

Confession.

May 10, 2011
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Before I continue, I just want to note, that this is in no way something for you to place your own opinion on; you don’t know the first thing about what I’m about to write about, and don’t try to compare me with your somewhat similarities. This is not for everyone to understand.

So, this week, I don’t know what has happened; but, I can tell you now – emotionally, I am falling apart. It feels like every night this week I have cried myself to sleep. I wake up feeling completely drained and exhausted. The thing is I don’t know why I feel so upset. I trudge through every day at work, smiling and being my normal “happy” self, but as soon as I get home, all I want to do is be alone. I am beginning to wallow in all the thoughts that float around in my head that make me feel sad, and eventually become crippled by them. The thought of leaving my bed stresses me out, I don’t want to have to go through another day of work and be around all these people who really are happy.

I try to occupy myself with video games, reading, movies, whatever I can find to stop my thoughts trailing off. I can’t explain to my boyfriend why I feel so depressed; I can’t work out in my own head why. I go back to the thoughts of my weight, my appearance, never feeling good enough, the fact that I’m going nowhere. Some days I just feel completely invisible. I can’t talk to people, because, who can I trust? I don’t trust anyone.

I try to shrug it off; I write things on my Tumblr to vent; even though it just comes across as me whinging. I try to get rid of the things in my life that upset me, but since I can’t get rid of myself, it’s almost impossible to fix the issue.

It’s not my job upsetting me, it’s not my relationship. My body does get to me; but it shouldn’t be affecting me this much. Maybe, it’s the stress from still not having a permanent home for the time being; but again, that should not be making me feel like this.

I’m starting to notice my inadequacies more and more. Maybe, if I weren’t so strange and left-of-centre, I’d have more friends, be more understood. If I could control my physical appearance, I know for sure, that I would look completely different to how I do look. I would definitely be thinner. Because, regardless of my diet, I stay the exact same weight; and I hate it. In a world where I am surrounded by thin girls, who do it so seamlessly and still want to be more; or constantly be told of their beauty and perfection, it’s hard to admit, but I have never felt that kind of attention and I would like to know what it’s like.

Apart from feeling physically insufficient, I feel like although I have a “talent”, I’m never going to be able to achieve happiness from it. When it only comes and goes, and causes me more frustration than satisfaction, I begin to wonder why I even bother pursuing it.

I got a pet to fill in that gap when I get lonely and I think I’ve realised that it hates me. Normally, that wouldn’t be a huge issue to people, animals are temperamental, right? It gets to me, because I’ve always been that person that animals love, even the shy or stubborn animals still love me; and then when I get a pet of my own, I happen to chose one that wants nothing to do  with me and only hurt me and destroy my things.

Every attempt I make at trying to make myself feel better just falls through, and sends me into a deeper spiral of despair. I feel completely alone and I just hate the thought that the only thing that I get excited about anymore is being able to sleep in on weekends. The monotony just goes on and on.

And before you go to try and give me your words of wisdom, stop. I am not you, and no matter how alike you think you felt to how I do, you know nothing. I don’t want your advice, I don’t want your kind words, and I did not write this as a cry for help. This was written purely to express something that has been eating away at my insides for days on end.

I don’t want your help.

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Kids These Days.

April 5, 2011
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[WARNING THE FOLLOWING POST CONTAINS MOVIE SPOILERS!]

 

Bruce Willis was dead the whole time.

 

So, while the thought is still lingering in my head, let us discuss the issue of children’s cartoons.

I’m a 90’s kid; the cartoons I grew up with were your classic Nickelodeon cartoons, the Simpsons, Daria, and anything they used to play on ABC after school, or in the mornings on CheezTV.

I couldn’t honestly name a single children’s show that is out these days. Dora the Explorer is the only one that comes to mind, and I don’t even know if that still is running.

 

The thing I have noticed, though, is the huge difference between what kids in my days learnt from our children shows compared to the lessons kids are being taught nowadays by their shows. Where could I start?

When I was young, I loved Rugrats, Angry Beavers, CatDog, Ah! Real Monsters. Pretty much all the Nickelodeon cartoons. What were the things that were brought to the table by these shows? At first glimpse, they seem like mindless children’s humour, with some adult jokes and double entendres thrown in to keep the parents happy too. But, from what I can conceive from watching them, is that they teach you life morals, how to build character and how to be yourself.

I cannot sit down for five minutes and watch the current shows they air for children, not only is there no humour tossed into their programs, but they don’t necessarily feature much help on personal and social skills. A kid can watch their show, come back and know how to speak Spanish, bake a soufflé and change the oil in my car; but the shows aren’t teaching them how to coexist in the real world with real people. It’s putting problem solving and excessive knowledge before reality.

 

Now, I may not have learnt some of the things that kids are learning these days, but then what’s that crazy institution called school around for? Making your children watch these mindless shows that don’t nurture the growing personality, but instead leave it dormant and considered not important is and already has turned children into mumbling social wrecks.

 

Let’s look at the state of children’s films through progressing time, starting with Disney;

Beauty and the Beast (1991) – The classic fairytale of the beautiful towns’ girl, Belle, who is imprisoned the castle of an isolated beast. He starts of scary and evil, Belles father nearly dies, Gaston is a sexist pig, Belle falls in love with the beast, towns people try to kill the beasts, some other stuff happens. Love wins.

Aladdin (1992) – Classic story of a poor thief falling in love with princess, Jasmin, and there’s a genie. Boy is a thief, boy meets princess, boy finds magic lamp, at one point the antagonist, Jafar, is some decrepit old man, some other stuff happens. Love wins.

The Lion King (1994) – A retold version of Hamlet; but with lions. Simba is a young lion, who can’t wait to be king, antagonist, Scar, is not pleased about it, Scar kills Mufassa, Simba runs away after being framed, comes back when he’s older and fights Scar to the death, some other stuff happens. Oddly enough, love wins.

Pocahontas (1995) – An American tale about the English first invading America. Happy Indians are happy, the English invade, John Smith becomes fascinated with Indian beauty, Pocahontas, lots of fighting and death happens, you feel the colours of the wind, some other stuff happens. Love wins.

Mulan (1998) – Story of a woman impersonating a man to get into the Japanese army, so she can defeat the Huns and defend her families’ honour. Misunderstood girl doing girl stuff she doesn’t like, father is enlisted for the war, even though he’s old and frail, Mulan takes his place posing as a soldier, after much struggle, fits in with the men, fights and kills people, gets kicked out once it is discovered she is a woman, comes back to Japan to protect the emperor, some other stuff happens. Even though, she is a cross dressing liar, love wins.

 

Do you see the trend here? Kids are taught about death and moving on, and learning about love, (despite how unrealistic it is made out to be).

 

I tried to look through more recent Disney films to find a comparison, but honestly, the lack of fibre in films like Valiant, Chicken Little and G-Force says it all.

Back in the day Disney films were memorable, enchanting movies; now they’re just a place where washed up actors’ careers go to die. Movies that go far too deep into plots that attempt to keep with the times, (technology, fashion, trends), and don’t leave an impression on you. Excluding UP; I cried.

 

Disney aside, there are some good films that are based at both children’s audiences and adults; Shrek, the SpongeBob Squarepants Movie, Despicable Me, (mostly great DreamWorks films), and more recently, Rango. If you don’t try to teach the children too many educational lessons, then you’ll find success.

Like I said, school is the place you go to learn, movies and TV shows are things for your leisure. You don’t mix the two, after the age of 5 lay off the instructive viewing, in my opinion.

 

If you wish to share your opinion; and I mean SHARE, not call me a hypocrite or slur abuse at me, feel free to ransack the comments section and discuss.

 

Also, Nicole Kidman was dead the whole time, too.

 


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30 Days In 1 Day.

April 4, 2011
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Today, i’m just going to attempt to write and hope something just comes out. I hate knowing that I don’t have the energy or the time to write anymore.

Long story short, i’m working full time – Monday to Friday. 8.5 hours a day, and I am just fucking exhausted, always. When i’m not working, i’m either sleeping, trying to get some down time things done, i.e. drawing or playing video games; then, once in a while, I manage to muster the effort to write something.

Problem is, because im always so tired, I can never think of anything to write. I apologize for my boring posts, because I am completely brain dead.

 

I’ve seen all over facebook, people doing these “30 day challenge” things. Fuck, the 30 days, im going to do it all in one post.

 

1)      What song did you listen to on your way to work/school?

Against Me ft. Tegan Quin : Born on the Fm Waves of the Heart.

 

2)      A song that reminds you of the one you love

Raised Fist : Breaking Me Up.

Adam and I were driving home from his friends place and we decided to put on some Raised Fist. Both singing it heaps loud and debating what song would be best for a cover. Good times.

 

3)      A song that can change your mood instantly?

A Wilhelm Scream : Fun Time.

I think the title of the song says everything.

 

4)      What song do you absolutely have to listen to everyday?

The National : Bloodbuzz Ohio.

I don’t necessarily have to listen to it every day, but its one of my favourites.

 

5)      What is the song of your favorite tv show?

Human Giant.

I couldn’t find the theme song, so I just found one of the random songs featured on the show.

 

6)      If you could have a theme song for your life what would it be?

Blacklisted : I Am Extraordinary.

Self explanatory.

 

7)      what song makes you think of someone you miss?

The Lonely Island : Awesometown.

Not really someone I miss, but things I miss.

 

8)       What song makes you feel like dancing?

Beynonce : Single Ladies.

You would have to be made of stone to disagree.

 

9)      What song makes you cry?

Toni Braxton : Unbreak My Heart.

or

Matchbook Romance : Goody, Like Two Shoes.

Don’t judge me.

 

10)   What song makes you feel like you can do anything?

Your Demise : Burnt Tongues.

Although, it makes me want to knock someone out.

 

11)   What is your favorite 70’s song?

Joy Division : She’s Lost Control.

1979. Such a good song.

 

12)   What is your favorite 80’s song?

The Police : King of Pain.

1983.

 

13)   What song did you listen to before you went to bed?

A.I. Score.

I fell asleep watching this movie last night, so I guess the music from this.

 

14)   What song makes you angry?

Kesha : Tik Tok.

It’s just a really poor excuse for music.

 

15)   What song makes you think of your childhood?

Playschool : Ning Nang Nong.

 

16)   What song makes you think of your boyfriend or husband?

Carpathian : Ceremony.

 

17)   What was your favorite childhood song?

Phil Collins : Don’t Lose My Number.

According to my mum.

 

18)   What soundtrack for a movie is your favourite?

Watchmen – Bob Dylan : The Times Are A-Changing.

I’m still convince this is the best movie opening sequence ever.

 

19)   What kind of music do you listen to when your riding around?

Defeater : The Red, White and Blues.

But honestly, it could be anything. This is just what ive been listening to lately.

 

20)   What was or is going to be your wedding song?

Chuck Ragan : Do What You Do.

Everything about this song is perfect.

 

21)   What song do you listen to when your heart is broken?

The Sleeping : King of Hearts.

 

22)   What song inspires you?

Bane : Young and the Restless.

 

23)   What do you listen to while you study or work?

Millencolin : Fox.

When we do play this album at work, it’s awesome.

 

24)   What song made you want to sing loud today?

Lower Than Atlantis : Mike Duce’s Symphony No.11 in D Minor.

With the windows down in my car.

 

25)   What song has been stuck in your head all day?

Adele : Rolling in Deep.

 

26)   What song made you turn the station as soon as it came on today?

I don’t listen to the radio at all.

 

27)   What song is your ringtone?

Essentially.

 

28)   If you could choose 1 song to never be played or heard again what would you pick?

Rihanna : S and M

Pretty please make her disappear from the planet.

 

29)   What song makes you relaxed?

Joanna Newsom : Sprout and the Bean.

 

30)   What song makes you think of your best friend?

My Chemical Romance : I’m Not Okay.

In a nut shell.


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A Beginners Guide.

March 24, 2011
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[Before continuing, please note this entry was entirely typed when I was feeling rather upset, so some of the content and opinions may have changed. Due to womanly mood swings.]

 

So, how long has it been? Two weeks? I guess, you’re all hoping for some awesome follow up to my last post about unicorns. Unfortunately, today my brain tank is relatively empty and, to be honest, I’m not in the best mood to write humorous things.

This post is going to be more personal. I think if you read this blog avidly and don’t know me personally, this is a good opportunity to tell you all about me.

But first, I posted a few weeks back about doing a FAQs entry. Since no one really took up the chance, (they probably can’t be bothered), I would just go ahead and answer some questions I get all the time. They are mostly about tattoos, pretty much.

 

Q) How many tattoos do you have?

A) If I count each one as an individual piece, I have three on my chest (two identical wolves and a heart morphing into a tree), one on each shoulder (identical floral designs), a wolf on my right arm, one on each wrist (Jekyll & Hyde themed bottles), one on the front of my left thigh (a girl who has snakes coming out of her hands) and two new ones on the back of my thighs (wolf & sheep bow designs).

 

Q) Do tattoos hurt?

A) Well, yes, of course. Some more than others, really depending where you’re getting it, what your pain tolerance is like, etc. It’s not a standard type of pain though, it is quite bearable.

 

Q) Which of your tattoos hurt the most?

A) I’m going to have to say, with a hands down answer- the back of my thighs. The skin is so tender and protected at the back. My legs never get sunburnt so the pain was a whole new level for me. Most people would presume chest/shoulders hurt the most, but I think they were the least painful of them all.

 

Q) What do your tattoos mean/do they even have meaning?

A) Yes, they all do have meaning to me. I’m one of those people that want all their tattoos to mean something to them, whether it’s a serious thing or just to remember things I’d liked in the past for when I get older. My tattoos resemble my personality in a sort of way. Wolves obviously mean something to me, (having numerous tattoos of them), they are my favourite animal, I feel like my personality has the similarities to the wolves; I’m very cautious at first, but after a while, I’m loyal and trusting. I can be a bit of loner at times. Not to sound like a whinging teen, but I am often misunderstood, by my nature.

The heart on my chest growing into a tree, represents the ability of the heart to grow over time. The floral designs on my shoulders are a carnation and cherry blossoms, they are my birth flowers. The Jekyll and Hyde bottles symbolize my changing personalities, I often feel like I’m two different people. The girl with snakes breaking through her palms was a drawing I did a few years back, called “snakemarta”; it pretty much means that if you let snakes in, they will destroy you from the inside out, (snakes being people who lie, cheat, corrupt, etc). Finally, the wolf and sheep bows on the back of my legs were originally me trying to take the conventional bow and put my own spin on it. Sheep follow a trend, bows were a trend at some point, (probably still are), but I am the wolf among sheep. It’s satirical in a sense.

 

I’m starting to feel a bit wanky , talking about my tattoos like I’m so awesome. Let’s move away from this.

 

Q) What inspires your art?

A) Everything, but nothing in particular. I’m always in my head, thinking, daydreaming, reminiscing. I tend to stare at art for long periods of time, listening to songs over and over till I’m sick of them. I absorb everything and they all combine to form this inspirational content in my head.

 

I think that is enough for the Q and A, for now. I guess if you have more, you can always ask me. Now, to move on to my next key subject; me. This is in no way a total jerk off fest about myself, but more of a personal pros and cons. For the people who don’t know me, the ones who maybe think I’m some sort of evil cave dwelling monster or shy loser, there is more to my story than what you see on facebook or from passing me when I’m out.

I’ll start with the low point; my cons. My personal downfalls, if you will.

I sure do have them, out the wazoo. Where should I start, though? I guess the most prominent bad quality you’ll notice about me is my personal self-image. And I think all the boys should nestle down and read this carefully, because it is important I explain. You see, I have a lot of attractive friends, I feel they are all far prettier than me and I sometimes feel embarrassed for myself, not only for my natural appearance, but because my style is very different, too. I often notice, when out with my friends, that I will spot guys checking my friends out. Even, every now and then, I will have a guy friend say to me “your friend is hot”. These are the things that personally kill my self esteem. Yes, I have a boyfriend and yes, he does compliment me; but it’s hard to explain the difference between getting a compliment from your boyfriend and being looked at by a somewhat stranger.

It’s the same when a girl friend says you look good, they say it because they care about you; no one likes having a sad friend. But, when it’s totally unprovoked from someone who isn’t trying to make you feel better, they just simply look at you or tell you that you are good looking because they genuinely think that and there is no other underlying reason. It’s a totally different thing. Something little like that, just boosts your confidence and makes you feel like you aren’t the ugliest one out of all your friends. This is something I feel very often.

Along with that, I am not very proud of my body. I know I’m not fat, but I’m also not thin. My body bulges and is shaped weird in certain places. My thighs and stomach probably bother me the most, because no matter what I do, they just don’t seem to let up. I have an uncomfortable time being naked, or even being in my bra and undies. Bikinis, tight clothing, cropped clothing, I avoid all these at all costs.

Again, it’s the same principal. Friends and partners can compliment me till the sun goes down, but in the end, I still see myself, compared to my friends and feel ashamed.

 

I am offended and upset quite easy, partly due to always being tired and stressed, causing my moods to be irritable. I sometimes emotionally detach myself from the people that matter, not on purpose, but because I just can’t handle people sometimes. I get angry very easily and I let the anger get to me too much sometimes. As I said earlier, I am in my head a lot; this sometimes causes me to question myself, think too much, crave certain personal interaction and then I tend to come off as a bit annoying. I usually never make the first move, whether it be talking to a friend, or making a decision; this comes down the basic fear of rejection/failure. I just have a very negative outlook on things, and this is mostly completely unintentional. I sabotage myself sometimes.

 

But enough of the bad things, let’s get onto the pros.

Not to toot my own horn, but I will say I have a relatively good sense of humour. At the end of the day, I love to laugh, I like making stupid jokes and observations, and making others laugh. A good friend said I am cultured; I guess that means I have a strong love for all things arty, music..y, fashionable and I don’t really fit a particular mould. I like to be an individual, (how many other people say that, though), I have my morals, that I stick by and my personal beliefs; but I don’t judge others who believe things that are different to mine… unless it’s something I consider morally wrong, i.e., being a slut or abusing yourself and so on. I stick to my guns.

I am a loyal friend, and even if I don’t talk to a friend for a while, I still will always consider them important. I hate talking badly about people I care about, and I hate rumours or lies.

In a good/bad way, I don’t have the ability to actually be mean to someone, without immediately feeling bad. Even though, I sometimes probably come off as a bitch, I mean well and I try to be a good person with most or everything I do.

 

I shall leave it there for now, because I’m all out of ideas! Leave more at my formspring or something. (http://www.formspring.me/WolfReynolds)


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Unicorns; Less Waterfalls, More Showers Of Blood.

March 9, 2011
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What do you think when you see an image of a unicorn? Read or hear the word? I bet you all associate it with young girls paraphernalia, symbolism for the homosexual culture; a horse with porcelain white hair, usually leaping off of a Cliffside with a beaconing rainbow in the background. Maybe, it’s in some sort of utopian oasis, with a shimmering waterfall and steam surrounding it.

Or even maybe, you think of a ferocious mythological beast that slays people upon its pure black horn, which measured 2 cubits long (that’s 1 meter for people like me, who didn’t know what cubits were til now).

Wait what? Do not adjust your monitor; what you just read was not a case of bad vision. Some of you may be thing “guuuurl, you must be smokin’ crack, cause you be trippin’!” but no, girlfriend, I am most definitely not tripping on anything.

See, there are many different folklores for the unicorn; the Greeks saw it as a fierce mysterious creature, with the head of a stag, the feet of an elephant, the tail of a boar, all attached to a horse body. It lived in India, and was resembled by many brass statues, but was never able to be caught alive, because of its beastly strength. Apparently, if the unicorn was being pursued to be captured, it would throw itself from high places and land in a way so that its horn would pierce into the ground, receiving all the shock from the fall. Real scary…

Another origin dates back from a certain book. Not Harry Potter, not Deltora Quest; I mean the Bible. Do you know what certain famous figure was said to have the strength on a unicorn? Just this guy called God. Drop the flowing white beard; add the body of a horse, with a big ass horn and a dash of majesty, you got yourself a creature that has the strength of the big guy himself.

See, there was this place called Idumea (now, Edom), and God sent creatures to destroy it (I don’t know why), the creatures he sent were unicorns and wild bulls, to attack the people of this province.

Unicorns are mention more than a few times in the bible:

  • “God brought them out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn.”—Numbers 23:22
  • “God brought him forth out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn.”—Numbers 24:8
  • “His glory is like the firstling of his bullock, and his horns are like the horns of unicorns: with them he shall push the people together to the ends of the earth.”—Deuteronomy 33:17
  • “Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by thy crib? Canst thou bind the unicorn with his band in the furrow? or will he harrow the valleys after thee? Wilt thou trust him, because his strength is great? or wilt thou leave thy labour to him? Wilt thou believe him, that he will bring home thy seed, and gather it into thy barn?”—Job 39:9-12
  • “Save me from the lion’s mouth; for thou hast heard me from the horns of unicorns.”—Psalms 22:21
  • “He maketh them [the cedars of Lebanon] also to skip like a calf; Lebanon and Sirion like a young unicorn.”—Psalms 29:6
  • “But my horn shalt thou exalt like the horn of the unicorn: I shall be anointed with fresh oil.”—Psalms 92:10
  • “And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with their bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness.”—Isaiah 34:7

What I’ve learnt from this is that Sandra Bullock is some kind of deity, God had the first “crib”, and the Bible is slightly redundant.

It was said, the only way to tame the untameable beast, was by having a naked virgin girl sit under a tree and lure it. So now, not only is a unicorn a psychotic semi-suicidal horse with a horribly disfigured body, a heinous Jew killer; now, it’s also a perverted sexual deviate. However, if the girl was just pretending to be a virgin so she could capture it, she would be torn apart.

Why were people so desperate to capture the horse, if they were such deadly consequences, though? Cause its horn can protect you from cancer, of course. Along with any other deadly diseases. It also made you impervious to any poison. And now we learn from Harry Potter (teacher of many great things), that the blood of the creature can make you immortal.

The Chinese symbolism for the unicorn was different, because they just have to be difficult. The unicorn was a symbol of wealth and good fortune, (is it just me, or does every Chinese mythological creature resemble good fortune?). The unicorn would appear after a great victory, and despite its fearsome appearance, it would only punish the wicked. Its physical attributes were also very different; it had the body of a deer, the head of a lion, green scales and a long forwardly curved horn. It could walk on water, but it was also constantly engulfed in flames. It is as tall as a giraffe and only appears in areas of great prosperity. Because, china just need to one-up every other folklore ever.

Some say the unicorn have always existed, but has merely evolved better to its surroundings. Animals like the rhinoceros, single-horned goat, and even the narwhale carry the attributes of the unicorn. Apart from the genocide, pervertism and general misanthropy.

On that note, I will leave you with my final thoughts:

 

Also, a big shout out to Lewis Loder who suggested the topic to me. Wanna give me an idea to write about? Then, get at me.


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Questions Ahoy!

March 7, 2011
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So, I had a sudden thought today. I write about certain things a lot, but I was wondering if there are things that I don’t write, that people might want to know.

I’m opening the floor for some FAQ’s for people who are curious. If this bombs, I will know no one actually gives a shit and get back to my brooding.

The questions can be about anything you want to ask; tattoos, art, anything. Even my favourite cereal. I will give it a few hours/days depending on if anyone can be bothered and answer them as best as I can.

You can leave questions in the comments section, via my personal facebook (http://www.facebook.com/#!/tash.reynolds1), or if you want to ask something and keep your anonymity, there is my Tumblr (http://ihavetheheadofawolf.tumblr.com/ask) or my Formspring (http://www.formspring.me/WolfReynolds).

 

I urge anyone and everyone to ask something and give some reason to my dull and drab life

 

I can’t spend all my time watching the dust particles in my room.


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Literally, Dying. Figuratively Speaking.

March 6, 2011
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I’m beginning to start off every entry with an apology for my absence. I’ll be honest, these past few weeks, I have simply not had the drive to do anything except lay in my bed and sulk till the next day, where id rise from my bed, go to work for a solid 8-9 hours and then promptly come home to lay in my bed and sulk some more.

The reason? I’m not entirely sure, if I knew I would surely tell you, there are no secrets in this dojo. But, I’m going to do the psychic intuition answer; I blame the tides. They are-a changing.

To the “dedicated” readers, (which I could probably count on one hand name by first and last names), who have been in a total uproar because of my very few posts, take to the sea, and lets unleash our vengeance!

So, let’s get to serious business, all in all my moods have been in a range from mediocre to complete and utter despair. And although I seem to write in this chipper tone, I can tell you right now, I’m feeling quite the opposite.

Lately, I feel like I’ve somehow become like an unintentional enemy. It’s just making me very bitter and angry.

I don’t know where to start really, it’s either me or it feels like the world is falling down around me. I’ve had a big kick of anxiety these past few days; which started off as just a bit of exhaustion and grumpiness. But, today it excelled to the point where I had become totally incoherent and my body felt like mush. I was practically sleepwalking. Talking seemed like an avoidable chore, and all I wanted to do was lay down and be completely alone.

Partially, these feelings have stemmed from a problem which has been quietly ongoing for about 2-3 months. I don’t want to outright give a story for everyone to read and then judge from then on, but in short, there has been a lot of bickering and lashing out between me and my boyfriend. I have concluded from this, that I need complete isolation from a relationship standpoint this coming week and as much friend-bonding as possible.

I’m in a frame of mind where I don’t feel like sharing affection or even being close to anyone. Don’t get me wrong, this does not mean I want to up and end my relationship with him; I simply just need my solitude. In a relationship, solitude can become rare. I guess some people don’t let that affect them; I get those people who don’t understand the point I’m trying to convey. I’ve always been slightly loner-ish; a lone wolf, and although I like companionship, I never forget that part of me is still that “lone wolf”.

I feel like a broken record bringing up the next point. For the younger generation who don’t understand that phrase, I feel like a scratched cd… or even a corrupted mp3 file.

I bet you can see this one coming, friends. Again, I know. I’ve been making an effort to see friends more, they sometimes get lost in the backburner, of my busy/lazy life. Sometimes I’m just plain forgetful. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that my brain don’t work too good no mo’. I actually went on a few friend dates, and as lame as that may sound to you, it has been helping me discover more about my social abilities and flaws, and the people I need in my life to help these attributes.

Bringing myself to that point with someone, when we become more than just “friends” to be an actual good friend is a lot harder than I realised. Because, I haven’t had a lot of good friends outside of a controlled institution, (work, TAFE, school), where I see them nearly every day, I never noticed the structure of how to make a good friend. Talking outside of things like facebook, msn and texting are a hell of a lot harder than at first anticipated. I’ve realised, that I have to meet someone on a scale of awkwardness; if they are more awkward than me, then it’s going to be an uphill battle forming a good strong friendship. Although, I am awkward, I am not the silent type. I will talk and make lame jokes and laugh at unapparent things, until something strikes a note with my company.

Another bump along the road I’ve learnt is, although guy friends are somewhat easier to make and maintain good conversations with, they are usually the friendships that will fizzle the quickest.

Its rough times, I feel like I’m learning Friendships for Dummies all over again. I am mentally taking notes, like a crazy person. Because, I am on a quest.

Aside from that, my anxiety from my accident has been gradually catching up on me. Being in a car is like cheating death each time, for me. I’ve been driving under the speed limit, being almost annoyingly cautious of everything I do, and when being passenger, I grip my chair like there is no tomorrow.

The other day, I was talked into weighing myself. My weight has an amazing persuasion over my mood. This time last year I was weighed by my doctor, I was at a weight that I was very happy with. This time around, I was 4-5 kilos more than that weight. That may seem very little to some people, but when I try to be quite careful of my eating habits, that just seemed like a slap in the face. I now have decided to atleast try, to work harder on losing 5 kilos in the near future, before winter preferably.

Last but not least, my next main struggle is trying to overcome my fear of negativity directed at me. I want to learn guitar, and then soon after learning that, I want to give a go at playing and singing, just to see if I could be any good at it. I think if I can get over that obstacle, it’ll help other aspects in my life; mainly being brave and more assertive. In the position I work in at the moment, assertion is something I need to work on. I give orders and have to make them clear. But, I don’t like being mean or stern when it comes to it. So, that’s something else I need to figure out.

And now I need to consume my fruit salad, continue to fill out bodily injury claims and get around to doing a friends tattoo design for him.


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Boys and Girls.

February 28, 2011
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My posts are becoming less and less frequent, so I promise to try and make them reeeeaaal good, for when I do post things.

But for the time being, this entry is mostly anger and rant induced.

You see, I’ve been having somewhat of a friendship problem again, lately. It’s not like I don’t have friends, because I do; it’s that I need a friend who is completely and utterly non-judgemental of me, a person I can trust and someone who has similar interests to me. This is the main issue I have with current friends, although I love them dearly, I don’t exactly have the same taste in things as they do. That kind of thing makes it a bit harder to form a real strong bond.

You get those friends, who for a while treat you like you’re their best friend. They tell you to message or call if you ever need anything; they act like they’re always going to be there no matter what. Then one day, they just up and stop caring. That or their words were just empty promises.

It gets really exhausting. I am sick of being someone’s 15 minutes, or having my hopes raised and then bashed back down. It’s getting to the point where I find it hard to trust people, and it’s making my pursuit for good friends considerably harder.

 

Just over a year back, I had this person who I considered a very good friend, and after a certain turn of events, this person completely changed and took all the things I had told them and used them to spread rumours about me. This is why it is difficult.

Also, when I get phone numbers from new friends, it seems to always be in that very fair-weather fashion, or I message them and never get a reply, and if I continue to attempt to message them, I feel like I’m being annoying and overly eager.

How can something that seems so innocent as text messaging, make you feel so skeevy and needy?

 

The main issue I have with making friends is, I find it so much easier to make friends with guys. I don’t know why. Perhaps, because, there is no petty bitching when it comes to guys. Or that they don’t make you feel belittled like your more attractive girl friends do. Mainly, because I just find them much easier to talk to and joke around with. There is a fatal flaw on opposite gender friendships though, and that is jealousy of yours and their respected partners. I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a good friend who isn’t the same gender, it’s not anything more than a friendship, so what harm is it doing.

I guess that is what causes a lot of problems relationship-wise. It’s either have a good friend and have a constantly angry or jealous partner. Or have no friends just to please him/her. Often enough, one side or the other suffers; both causing unhappiness. I just wish that it wouldn’t cause any quarrels and everything could just stay on steady ground.

 

But to support the opposite side of the arguement I’m making, I have had guy friends in the past, straight up abandon me and my friendship, because of my relationship situation. More recently, though, I’ve had a few guy friends ditch me, for what seems, purely because of my new haircut.

I actually had someone ask me anonymously over Tumblr the other day is I was actually a boy; which did hurt my feelings a lot.

I am a girl, despite being a little tomboyish, I am still a girl, and would like to be treated as one. I wear makeup, paint my nails, and wear dresses, all that kind of stuff; so I don’t appreciate being called a boy.


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Follow Ups, Time Killing & Hatred.

February 20, 2011
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I’m writing purely out of boredom today. Lets, see how far this goes. I would sadly like to also point out, site stats are going down big time, since I first started typing this. Is there a reason people aren’t interested anymore? If so, please let me know.

Firstly, I’ll follow up a request someone kindly left on my Formspring (http://www.formspring.me/WolfReynolds);

“I rate the quirky posts you make! You should update with more art you do- you’re well good at it!”

“Also, I dig your opinions. You should do some opinion pieces on stuff like veganism, current music videos, Tumblr Hipstrs and puppies vs kitties! =D”

So, I guess, I’ll upload some of my recent drawings on here. But, before I do, let me state, if you plagerise or use my art in anyway possible other than to just look at it; I will cut you. Deep. I cannot stress how annoying it is, when I put hours into a drawings and some “friend” comes along and decides “hey, this looks cool, I might get it tattooed on me“. No, you ask my permission and maybe cough up some money.

Moving on…

And, bam, there’s some of my original art pieces.

Okay, opinion pieces.

Honestly, veganism is a subject I’d like to steer clear from. I have friends who are vegan, I respect their choices, they respect mine. We leave it at that. I’ve had big arguments with people who used to be friends and no longer are because of them not accepting that I chose not to be vegan. That is all I have to say about that.

Current music videos, oh boy, do I have a lot to say about them. I mainly have an issue with one particular pop star at the moment. This particular singers name is Katy Perry. I can’t stand her! I don’t know if it’s the fact that every guy thinks she’s hot even though she looks like a cheap, trashy, plastic doll. Maybe, it’s the fact that you see in the tabloids that she keeps saying she wants a breast reduction, yet she makes a prudent point in all her video clips, to have her boobs doing all kinds of crazy unboob-like things. Or, even maybe, it could be that people constantly compare her to Zooey Deschanel, who is atleast 10x more amazing.

I just think she is a big floozy. Yes, she has big boobs. I get it. There’s a point where she should stop flaunting them, for one, because she keeps talking about how she doesn’t want them; and for another, she dresses like she obviously does not hate them.

Boobs are an issue girls deal with regularly. It’s usually something I don’t think about often. I am well aware that my boobs are… Petite. But, with someone like Katy Perry being named this ideal woman, how are girls like me supposed to feel?

It’s like when thin people complain about being too thin, yet they continue to dress in a way to show off how skinny they are. Attention seeking? Perhaps. I don’t have much more to say other than, Katy Perry is the epitome of the kind of people I hate.

Ah, Tumblr “hipsters“. I think I’d rather call these people “jerks“. I don’t mean the innocent people who are just labelled hipsters because they have a certain taste in things; I mean the people who claim things to be the things that “they liked first“. They watch movies and music that most of us just can’t get into, and we’re labelled “mainstream” by these judgemental assholes. Infact, I saw a post on tumblr the other day that had “the rules of tumblr“. It was pretty much encouraging people who use tumblr to not invite “nOObs” onto tumblr. Going on about using grammar and spelling correctly, etc. Now, if there’s one thing more annoying than anything on social sites like facebook and tumblr, it’s people getting all up in arms over spelling and grammar. I wasn’t aware that all you people completed a uni degree in teaching and now have the rights to instruct and/or insult people when they spell words incorrectly or don’t use proper grammar.

Call the internet police because someone spelt “your”, instead of “you’re”. Even more so pathetic, is when people use that as their argument tactic. Grow up, the world does not revolve around who is the best at the English language. Although, it is different when people spell like “lyk” or purposely not using vowels in words and numbers instead of the correct word. Yes, even that bugs me.

So, the point being about these Tumblr hipsters is; you didn’t do it first. If people like something you like, it doesn’t immediately mean it’s too commercial or they’re posers. You’re not the fashion king/queen. Get a life that is outside of Tumblr, then maybe bitch about real things.

As for puppies vs kitties, well, that’s all depending on what type of puppy and what type of kitten. I’ll let you decide that for yourself.

Leave more suggestions at my Formspring and shit.


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Morals and Junk.

February 17, 2011
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Life lessons, philosophy and values; the subject of this post that I’ve been stalling on for about a week. Now that I’m home sick, I guess I have no excuse not to finish this bitch.

Before I begin, let me make this clear; this is about my personal beliefs. I don’t intend to force them onto anyone else, so if anyone calls me a hypocrite or decides to abuse me and be a shit guy, I will be coming to fly kick them in the face and/or back of the head. Alright, glad that’s cleared up.

 

So, I have a little thing I like to call a “personal code”. It’s pretty much my guidelines that I live by, rules that I won’t change for anyone. Yes, it’s about to get very Mother Goose up in here.

 

Right, time to get the ball rolling…

 

1. I guess the initial preachy one start off with is ‘respect yourself’. This means never compromising yourself, never doing things that make you feel uncomfortable and, in a way putting, yourself first.

Without beginning to sound like Dr Phil or something, I think I’ll just quickly explain.

The point I’m getting at, is I see girls out there, dressing like were rationing clothing and treating underwear like it’s a once a week thing. They do all this to what? Some say it makes them feel good about themselves, others do it for the obvious reason; attracting sexual partners.I mean, obviously, if making guys want to fuck you and then promptly leave you, how is that supposed to make you feel good in the long run? It’s despicable in way, if someone is attracted to you for the core reason that you dress like you’re practically naked, then I don’t think they’ll value anything else from you.  I went out once, wearing skin tight clothes, and I ended up having a panic attack. I can’t hack it.

There have been situations I have been put in where I’ve clearly drawn the line between what I’m comfortable with and what I’m not comfortable with. Not all people are understanding of this. Sure, one night stands are a point I’m making, I don’t feel right “getting intimate” with someone I hardly know and won’t want to know me when it’s all over. Without purposely over sharing, yes, I have slept with someone ONCE without any intention of it going anywhere. I feel like I’ve let out a secret to all the people who read this.

That would be my second point…

 

2. A few key factors I like to keep reminding myself of; never keep secrets, there’s always an exception and never regret things .

So, like I’ve just shared above, I think it’s never good to keep secrets. That was probably a bit personal, but its best to get it off my chest. Secrets are like viruses, which eat you up from the inside; even innocent secrets still dwell inside and turn bad eventually. It’s not that I’m a gossip, but I don’t like people to tell me a “secret” and expect me to never tell another soul. Okay, I’m still trustable… Secrets may be my flaw in a friendship.

When I try to explain that there’s always an exception, it’s really over quite small and silly things; what celebrities and people in bands I find attractive, when I state I don’t normally like their type. I don’t like light or blond hair, but then there’s Bradley Cooper. I don’t like muscles, but I make the exception for Greg Puciato of Dillinger Escape Plan. Clearly, the mind of a girl is “boys boys boys”. But, no, not really. I just am lacking a better example for the time being.

Things like saying “once a cheater, always a cheater”. How many times have you had a lovelorn friend say this to you? In most cases, cheaters are just generally people who don’t consider the feelings of their partner when they are on the pursuit to get their rocks off; but there are times when that is not the case. Again, another thing I haven’t told many people about, when I was with my ex, I met this guy over the internet (it sounds so lame). I noticed on his page a few designs that I had seen around town so that’s where the friendship began. It was a completely innocent friendship; we knew each other online for about a year before actually meeting each other in person. We did eventually meet out in town one night and things happened. He had a girlfriend, I had a boyfriend. But I made a prompt decision to tell my boyfriend and then break up with him. I was honest about it, and I did not keep secrets or lie.

It did not work out with that guy, but that resulted in me learning not to take my happiness for granted. That was the first time I had ever broken up with someone, and I was in a 3 year relationship that I was not happy in. I’ve always said everything happens for a reason.

And again, that leads to the next aspect; never regret. Regrets are weights that hold us down, would you not agree? I don’t see a point in regretting things, there’s no point worrying about things you can’t change. You can’t change what happened in the past, unless you have some sort of time machine… or a Delorian… or a magic phone booth. Like I said, everything happens for a reason, even if it seems like a mistake at the time and you feel sad, or whatever, you’ll find something good eventually. Changing the bad things that happened would only alter the good things in the future. Yeah, the butterfly effect.

Am I getting too deep into this?

I think I’ll chuck one more point out there before you all get bored. If you’re like me, then your attention span would be beginning to stray by now.

 

3. I really don’t like violence and confrontation. People being unnecessarily mean or cruel or rude, can be dealt with in other ways.

Violence is never the right resolution. My ex was one of those guys who thought like an alpha male, fight everyone and anyone to prove he was the toughest. It was such an ugly trait. I think outwitting someone is going to make them look more stupid than beating them ‘til they bleed.

The only time I’ve ever lashed out violently, is fighting at home with my brother. And at this time, I had discovered something about myself. I have blackouts, in violent situations. An easy way to explain it would be, one day my brother had hit me in the face, I don’t remember what happened after that and then I remember my mum running into the room screaming at me. I was on top of my brother choking him and my mum had to pull me off of him.

It scares me a bit. I really don’t want to be in that type of circumstance again.

 

That’s really all I feel like typing right now. If you’d like to hear more of my boring morals, you have only to ask.


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